#lifelessons101 :How the “heck “ do I forgive? An insight and a guide

Forgiveness is a word that’s been running run our home a lot this week. It started with a video that is currently bouncing around facebook from Eva Kor one of the Mengele twins. (For those of you that don’t know Mengele twins are Jewish twins that were used in Nazi experiments during world war two). In this video this amazing women after recounting what happened to her in Auschwitz, told of her process of forgiving both Josef Mengele who was responsibile for these experiments and a nazi officer who she met and travelled back to Auschwitz with to complete her forgiveness journey. WOW. This video humbled me in so many ways especially as I am currently working on a journey of forgiveness at the moment.  It blew my mind away at the strength, wisdom and capacity for understanding of humanity this women showed and I wondered to myself at the time. How? How do you forgive something like that? And at the same time I wondered could I do that? And if I had to forgive and heal in this way how would I do it? How does someone forgive?

Of course when you ask the universe a question like that it responds by saying here I will show you, which led to my own journey of forgiveness this week, centering around my Father. It’s a long story and in it are many personal details which are not my own, so I won’t be sharing it. What it did provoke was anger and a strong feeling of abandonment for me.  Old hurts resurfaced and honestly I was a mess. Now it is not on any way a similar journey to the one in the video, far from it. However for me it was an emotionally hard journey that has given me a few insights into how one begins to forgive that I’d like to share with you. So here is my guide on forgiveness I hope it will help you too.

Identify the hurt

As I said this week the situation with my father brought up feelings of abandonment which I didn’t understand. I had no idea where this was coming from so in order to start processing I needed to understand. So I wrote a letter. Not one I sent to him. It was a letter where I wrote to him about how I felt. As I wrote I found myself answering the questions I posed in the letter and slowly I could see the old and deeper hurts that this situation had affected.

So before you start the process of forgiving get clear around what the hurt is. Talk to non involved parties, write a letter as I did (and I can highly recommend the Love letter technique) get clear around your emotions and your pain.

What do you want?

Figure out what you want. In my case there were certain things I want my Dad to do to help the healing process. These I found when writing my letter and these have become the basis of my conversation I am having with him now. So ask yourself can these hurts you have found be healed? And how can they be healed? Make a list of what you want to happen everything. And then after look over your list and see which of these things is achievable. What can realistically be done to help you heal? Identify the healing solutions you can manifest and focus on these.

Where is your responsibility?

You have heard the old saying love is a two way street, well honestly its more accurate to say life is a two way street, requiring give and take on both sides. There is always responsibility on each side. It can be simply saying that it is my choice to allow this event/trauma to affect my relationship/career/ future is your side of taking responsibility. So have a look at where are you responsible and where are they?

Acceptance and understanding

Speaking to a friend about forgiving parents she said to me “remember you have to realise they didn’t mean to be bad or hurt you”. It is something you have to accept. And honestly 99% of the time this is true. People don’t often mean to hurt other people. The other person is rarely motivated just by wanting to hurt you, there is always another side of the story. If you want to truly heal you need to understand the other side. This can come in the form of talking to them or in the form of research the other person. So if the person is dead then see if you can find out more from their friends or family for example.

Of course the flip side of understanding is that you can’t always find out about their side of the story. This then brings you back to my friends wise words, accept and trust that the other person didn’t mean to hurt you. Hard but it is possible if you want to heal and forgive you have to do this.

The gift of the trauma

Everything in life teaches. Good and bad experiences alike. If I hadn’t experienced homelessness I wouldn’t have experienced building a life from the bottom up, if I didn’t have diabetes I wouldn’t have learnt to take care of myself. Each trauma comes with a gift. Appreciating this gift makes it easier to forgive. What is the gift of your trauma?

Communicate or not

Now you have decide if you want to involve the person that hurt you. Sometimes we don’t need to communicate with them to forgive and heal ourselves. Sometimes we do. Forgiving someone for hurting you is ultimately something for you not them. You may wish to communicate with them but not tell them that you forgive them. In the video verbally forgiving her tormenter was enough even though she never got to do it to his face. You need to decide how those words, “I forgive you” are going to used.

If you do decide to talk with the person I highly recommend you focus on communicating your pain in the situation and understanding their side of the story. This way you both have the opportunity to heal and alter your relationship. In the situation with my Father I know a direct conversation would hurt him more than heal our relationship so I am going to focus on the solutions I have identified and by asking certain questions I can understand his side of the story. Only if it is necessary will I tell him about the pain I felt. I have in essence already forgiven him but I know I need to talk to him before the matter is closed in my heart.
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Forgiveness doesn’t mean you are pardoning or excusing the other person’s actions. By forgiving, you are accepting the reality of what happened and finding a way to live in a state of resolution with it. Forgiveness is ultimately something you do for yourself.

By forgiving you free up a part of your soul and empower yourself. As Eva said in the video” it is a power no-one can give me and no-one can take away”. Forgiveness is for you only.

Eva Kor made one of the ultimate journeys of forgiveness, she says,

Forgiveness is really nothing more than an act of self-healing, self-liberation and self-empowerment. All victims, all hurt feel helpless, feel hopeless , feel powerless. I want everybody to remember that we cannot change what has happen. That is the tragic part. But we can change how we relate to it.”

So if you have a pain or a trauma that is holding you back.  Forgiveness is  key to opening the door to a freer future and only you can turn the key. I hope this inspires you in tour forgiveness journey.

I acknowledge and honour your bravery in taking the journey of forgiveness.

Have a wonderful healing Forgivness is the door to healing andempowermentweekend <3

 

P.s if you would like to read more about Eva Kor here is a link to her Forgiveness Project

Which me is reacting to you? (A guide to understanding tour reactions)

When Shrek told donkey that ogres were like onions he wasn’t wrong. We are all like onions we all have layers. No matter who you are on the surface today, there is layer beneath layer of your past and personality bubbling just under that surface. And sometimes these layers, these different versions of you, react to situations in your daily life without you even knowing it. Infact it’s often hard to know which you is responding to a situation.

This week I was fortunate to have a chance to peel back the layers in my life and wow did I get a shock. As I peeled back through different stories of my past I began to find parts of myself I thought long gone, were actually still there, large as life, and often influencing my reactions to people and situations in my now. It was an incredibly powerful experience and gave me a deeper understanding of myself and the way I interact with people. The biggest shock was although my grown up nearly 40 self thought I was in control it turns out that underneath the surface there is a frustrated teenager and a scared little girl who alternately react to the people in my life without me realising it. Once I recognised them it became so clear as to why I immediately begin to rage the minute a parental figure tries to interfere in my future plans and why it was that a person who represented consequences for me sparked off my insecurities. Completely unbeknown to me this little girl and teenager had been running a huge part of my adult life and my default reaction patterns came from me then not me now. Wow.

Now as you may know I am a big advocate of responding as opposed to reacting to things in life, consciously choosing rather than running on autopilot. So you can imagine my surprise at this new discovery. However it’s a great teaching, suddenly I am so much more aware of which me is trying to react to a situation, I can understand on a deeper level why things are affecting me emotionally and I feel so much more in control. It’s empowering.

Many of us have a struggle with reacting rather than responding. It’s partly due to our dna response fight or flight. However if we learn to peel back the layers and get to know the roles and dramas that lie inside of us, then we can learn to consciously take control of our emotional responses. With that knowledge we can begin to naturally respond to life’s curveballs. Obviously this is a HUGE journey of self discovery and cannot be covered by a quick how to guide. However if you would like to begin peeling back the layers of yourself then here are a few steps you can take to begin this journey.

Identify milestone versions of you

You need to look into your past and identify the main versions of you that are close to the surface. Look at how do you remember yourself as a child, a teenager, in your 20s, 30s, etc

Were there any significant events in your life that you remember effecting you. For me I had a specific photo as a little girl who embodies my memory of me as a child and an old beanie hat that reminds me of my very confused teenage self. Find these versions of you and give them a name.

Identify emotional characteristics of these versions of you

Now in a journal start to define these versions of you.Take each one and try to write some key words down emotions you associate with them. So for example my little girl was scared and desperately wanted to be good enough. My teenager was frustrated and angry, ready to defend herself at the drop of a hat. Write as many keys words or insights as you can for each of the versions of you that you have identified.

Investigate the triggers and reactions

Look at each version one at a time. Try to remember through free writing what triggers would be the catalyst for the emotional characteristics, and what  response this version of you had to specific situations. So for example with my teenager I could identify that when she felt disapproval of her she would react defensively, angrily trying to justify her actions, usually resulting in arguments with loved ones. My little girl would get scared by arguments because she thought they were her fault and so she tried to be good enough. If you have identified a lonely little boy you might discover that he would tease his sister at home when he felt lonely at school. Try and find the triggers and reactions for these versions of you. Don’t worry if you can’t get them all at once, baby steps is definitely the way here.

Compare the triggers then and the triggers now

Ok this is a little harder but incredibly powerful. Take one version of you. Look at the triggers you identified and now try and find a similar situation or a similar emotional response on your life now. I found that when me Mr T asked me why I did something a particular way it actually kicked off the “I am not good enough” feelings of my little girl. It is amazing the more you look into these triggers and responses the more you will see patterns emerging.

What next?

So now you have all this information what to do with it? This is now a guideline for you. You can look at your emotional characteristics and response patterns of the past versions of you, if you have unhealthy patterns then start to work out strategies that are healthy. I am now working on discussing my frustrations with parental interference with them instead of exploding behind closed doors. You may have discovered some unhealed wounds that are too big for you to deal with alone, if that is the case then please do seek support.  You may find that simply by having identified which you is responding to a situation that this makes you more conscious in your interactions with others. Each of us is different so what we do with this journey of self discovery is up to us.

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As I said before this is a huge journey and much bigger than I can cover in one article. However I hope that this gives you some inspiration to begin to understand the layers you have within you. For me this journey has been a wonderful exploration of myself. It has raised my consciousness of self to another level and is bringing a sense of peace to my life in areas I didn’t know needed it. And that in itself is a powerful healing. I hope that you enjoy this discovery process as much as I did

Enjoy your journey<3

Do not allowyour

#lifelessons101: Finding your integrity

This week I was supposed to be hosting an important event – the first meeting of a new women’s circle in my local library. I was so excited to be taking on the challenge of creating a new sacred space for women in a traditional male dominated community. However due to miscommunications it has now been postponed for one month. And honestly I am feeling glad. Why? you might ask. Well it was all to do with this month’s theme. Integrity.

It might seem strange. Integrity is a positive thing. Living a life of integrity, or coming from a place of integrity is powerful. Yet have you ever stopped to think what integrity means to you? How do you live your life from a place of integrity? Honestly these questions stopped me flat. For two weeks I have been mulling this theme around and around in my mind and I have to admit it’s made me feel uncomfortable.

As I thought about it I realised that actually although on the surface I do live a life of integrity when I began to look deeper I realised that that’s not always the case. Integrity to some people means doing the right thing, and yes that is part of it. However for me integrity is much more than that. It is a sense of wholeness. Being in the flow of living from one’s truth and walking your talk. It’s hard to explain but if you remember that uncomfortable feeling you had as a child when not telling the truth, that is the opposite of living in integrity.

So through some google-fu, university youtube and a lot of soul searching here is my guide to finding your integrity. If I am to be completely truthful this article has been researched and written for my own benefit, if it helps and inspires you then that is an added bonus!

Define your core values

In 3 words define your core values. Sounds simple, I promise you this is the most challenging part of the journey. In order to live your truth you need to know what your truth is. Cutting it down to three words keeps you focused and keeps it simple.

Make an agreement with yourself that you are choosing to live your life in harmony with these core values.

Who are you?

Are you the kind of person you say you are? We all have personal narratives, stories we tell about ourselves. Have a look at that. What is it you put out into the world? What is it you tell the world about you? Are you actually living your life as the person you say you are? And most importantly is that person living in harmony with your core values?

Identify your untruths

Somewhere you will be living little lies that are not inline with your core values Find them. Identify them. You will probably find that here are areas of your life that you don’t like and that actually have created a lack of trust in yourself. Find out your weak areas so you can tidy them up.

Vision and action inspiration

It is not enough just to think we also have to do. Walking your talk is a BIG part of living a life of integrity. Create a personal vision statement that gives you clarity about your beliefs and will lead you to become the person you’ve always wanted to be. Then brainstorm certain actions you can take which will align your daily life with your core values and vision of yourself. If you like you can brainstorm for certain areas of your life such as family, work, myself etc etc.
Put it all into practise

Living with integrity means living consciously, making decisions that are in line with our core values and doing what we believe is right. So now you know your core and have ideas for your actions go out and do them. Don’t worry if you make mistakes just bring yourself back on track and if you need to tidy up your mistakes. Keep your agreements. Speak and live your truths and take responsibility for yourself and your life.

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You have inside of you a little voice (or jiminey cricket if you prefer a visual representation) that will tell you when you are not living in tune with your integrity so learn to listen to it. The more you try to hear it the easier it will become. Reclaim your integrity this weekend and go back to work rested and ready to show the world you respect yourself enough to live your truth and I am certain the world will begin to respect you a hundred times more than it did on friday!

HAppy Weekend  – Enjoy your journey <3

To live life with INTEGRITY means never forgettingwho you are

Do you want to be effective in your life? Then simplify !

Ever felt like a headless chicken running around in circles getting nowhere?  My life used to just like that. Every minute was filled up,  from the moment I awoke until the minute I went to bed. I did so many things that it used to stress Mr T out just watching me. And det with all the running around, never ending to do lists and the constantly on the go life style I didn’t feel like I really got anywhere. Sure I got things done, a lot actually, however time to relax, to have fun to enjoy life that simply wasn’t there. And if I did get time to relax I didn’t know what to do and felt guilty if I did. It was a vicious circle, an exhausting vicious circle. Do you know the feeling? It’s horrid. For me it actually lowered my self esteem because I never felt like I really got anywhere because there was always more to do.

That however was until I learned to simplify. Now don’t get me wrong I still do my to do lists and my goal setting, it’s just I simply do them with a different attitude.  Through Google- fu and some gentle coaching  I discovered that the way to simplify was made up of the three ‘r’s’ Rest, Repetition and  Rhythm. Honestly these three things have completely simplified my life, given me (and Mr T) peace as well makes my working hours and r and r so much more effective.  I still work hard, just intensively some of the time, not crazily busy all the time.

Now just to clarify when I talk about simplifying my life I am not talking about a form of minimalism. I mean simplification of my everyday life and rituals, my planning combined with the forming of new habits and installing a routine and rhythm to my everyday. And yes I can hear you brain clicking out of ‘I am interested’ to ‘Argh I hate routine’ mode, just wait. I know it all too well, I too have been a routine hater ever since the day they gave me insulin and told me all my meals had to be at the same time everyday. However the routine is more like a fixed rhythm. Just like music some parts of the music repeat and regular intervals and other parts are more fluid. And honestly it is both exhilarating and releasing.

So if you want to be more effective and free up more time simultaneously! Then I highly recommend you read these steps to a simple and effective life and then more importantly go out and try them. After all planning is only half of goal completion, action is the most important part.

Rest

NOw this whole simplification came about in my life thanks to one of my personal coaches. She asked me “when do you take a break during the day?” I was like break??? -hah! I just keep on going, I keep on running until the engine is empty, and then I relax. (Even as I said it I could hear how unhealthy it sounded.) So together with my coach we brainstormed ways I like to relax and discussed how long I  could seriously dedicated to resting each day. We ended upon agreeing that I would read or draw for at least 15 minutes a day (doodling on my phone and computer was not relaxing enough). Then my coach pushed my boundaries and said she wanted this break to be in between my working day and my evening at home. UGH! However after some persuasion I agreed. Now everyday at 5pm my work day ends and I dedicate 30 mins to reading. (Yes 30 mins, at the start I didn’t believe I could do 15 but now I have found 30 mins after work and before making dinner is the optimal time for me to wind down and recharge).

To start your simplification of your life find a time you will rest everyday, workout how you can switch off and dedicate AT LEAST 15 mins to  it. Keep to the same time everyday. (I do this also on weekends as well as work days).  Some people may say okay well I am on public transport at this time or I have the kids so I can’t make me time. Sorry my friend but that is your victim talking. Make time. A bus journey can be made relaxing with a book, or music or even and audio book, making a wind down time everyday for the whole family to get a recharge is a gift to all of you not just yourself.  Be creative and figure out a solution for you. It is after all the minimum of 15 minutes you can give yourself that.

Repetition

Everyday we make thousands of unconscious and conscious decisions.  What to wear, what to eat, who to call, when do we shop. It can get so tiring. The whole time you are making these decisions you are using mental energy which lowers your battery. If you think of it as though your mental energy per day is like your phone battery, each decision lowers the bar. So what if you could save some of that energy instead wasting it on millions of decisions. You can!

I got this idea from Steve Jobs, who wore the same outfit everyday to eliminate the ‘what do I wear ?’ choice from his morning routine. I don’t wear the same outfit everyday, however I have made a repetitive system around the preparing of meals and shopping of food in our house. It started with taking the decision to shop only once a week which eliminated all of those minutes of waiting in line on the way home. Then I decided to make one big batch of food every sunday freeze it down and fill our freezer with ready made home cooked dinners. It worked well, however I noticed that part of my day was often filled with wondering what we were going to eat that evening. So I now make a weekly food plan. I do this before I go shopping. Every day we have the same breakfast and lunches (although in the plan I switch it up a little, sundays were made for brunch right!) and then I plan which evening dinners I will use in that week. It has made thinking about dinner so much easier. I just follow the plan. Now I use only 10 mins a week tops on the ‘what to eat’ question. So much easier and gives me so much more time. The added bonus of this is that when I go food shopping I now save money and time because I know exactly what I need and don’t get distracted. Also that plan is a guideline if we fancy pizza one night then we do get pizza but now it’s fun not stressful.

At home we do this not just with food but with laundry and house cleaning too. A great way to start is to make a list of the decisions you make in your everyday. Try it for a few days, then look at your lists and see where you can simplify? Where can you minimise your decision making? Where can you save your energy? And remember don’t try this a few times and then say oh well that didn’t work. Remember it takes at least 21 days to form a new habit. Stick at it and you will feel the benefit of extra mental energy.

Rhythm

Once you have started to get some rest and repetition into your life the last step in the simplification process is to define your rhythm. If you like me love lists then you will love this. There are 3 steps to building your rhythm.

Step 1: I start every month by making a month list of the things I need to do. This list is under four headings

Life – doctors appointments, mechanic visits etc

Work – er.. that should be self explanatory

Me – the things I want to do for me

Social – social engagements etc

(You can also include a family section).

Step 2: I make my weeks schema from this list. On my skema are areas that are fixed, like the food shopping, laundry (we also have date night).  Then there are areas that are blank when I pencil in tasks from my list. This has been so effective that I now actually have 7 evenings off (not entirely easy when you are self employed). I know what is coming in a week and I don’t have the constant must remember to do x, y and z running around in my brain. All that mental energy freed. Remember yours is particular to you. You create your rhythm with fixed parts and the free movement.

Step 3: Every morning I make a todo list from that days plan on my week schema. Sometimes unexpected things come up and the plan altars a little but it doesn’t matter. using this system I KNOW I have more than enough time to do everything I need and want to do.

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It really is that simple! I have so much more mental energy. Infact I often find myself wondering how did my workload get so light. It didn’t I just simply started to be really effective with my time and efficient with my energy. Have a play with this over the next few weeks and see if you can simplify your life and find a rhythm. I’d love to hear any tips and discoveries you make on your journey here so please write in the comments how this worked for you or visit the Re:Root Facebook page.

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Have a lovely simple and effective week – enjoy your journey <3

#lifelessons101: Motivation, manifestation, determination, a free umbrella and a slice of pie!

I have had a crazy week. There have been two intense events that although were the complete opposite of each, other have gifted me with the motivation and inspiration to expand my business, and reach my goals (oh and given me a free umbrella and a piece of pie). These experiences really brought home to me the power of choosing how I react to a situation has an effect on my motivation, my determination and my ability to manifest that I want to share with you today

The first event was the most empowering experience of landing a big contract for my business. It’s an exciting project with lots of possibilities. The people I will be working with get exactly where I am coming from, love the skills I can bring to them with my coaching and are so on board its energising!  (Thank you universe for that gift) I left that meeting on top of the world, even though it was chucking down with rain and I was dressed for success not the weather meaning I was getting soaked to the skin (Or rather I would have done is a kind stranger had not offered me an umbrella – I kid you not) I was on cloud nine.  I had a heck of a time after that meeting trying to get to where I needed to be by public transport and buy a  new laptop. With the rain and the cold and the frustration I could have easily manifested a foul temper. But every challenge I met I shrugged off and just focused on manifesting what I needed when I needed it. And guess what it worked. It was an amazing day with so many successes and small perfect moments, I was so motivated by everything and everyone I met.

The second event was so different from the first. The day after getting my new contract I went to a local business networking session, where experienced business men and women give advice to the younger entrepreneur crowd. It was the first time I  had attended such an event locally. I was really excited, hoping for some real motivation and insight into how to grow my company further. I was so not prepared for the reality. They didn’t get it. They had no idea what life coaching means. The concept was dead on them and I was treated as some strange and slightly foolish person at the party that no one knows how to talk to. Ugh. I hated it and wanted to get away as quickly as I could. I didn’t. I stuck it out. And as I heard them talking to another young entrepreneur enthusing about her business I felt frustrated and angry. However I realise that I was simply taking on board their misguided vision of me, I knew I didn’t need to believe their opinions of me. I have already proved only the day before that what I offer is a valid and needed service. As they talked an idea began to form, a new potential way of meeting clients. And in bouncing the idea around with the only person in the room, who seemed to have a vague idea of what coaching is, (or at least was willing to talk with me) I found a way not only to create new clients, but also created a way for him to understand better what I could do and begin to suggest opportunities for development.

I left that meeting, again in the rain and this time down hearted. It was definitely colder than the day before. I realised Mr T had my wallet and it was hours until I was heading home. I could have ended up crying in my duvet if I had chosen that path. However those unfriendly, stick in the mud businessmen had got under my skin and made me angry. Angry enough to want to prove them wrong. I found a way to get a smoothie and pie and free wifi without my wallet, (thanks to a lovely young business woman and her fantabulous cafe) and then I sat down immediately to start fixing the bugs in my business presentation. A few hours later and after a hilarious evenings belly dance class (highly recommended for improving anyone’s mood) I felt just as motivated by the failure of the day as I had by the success of the day before.

 

So what are the life lessons I learnt here? Well honestly it’s taught me a few things about motivation, determination and manifestation.

Motivation

You get motivated by how you choose to respond to something. Outside energy is a part of motivation regardless of whether that energy is a positive or negative input it is the catalyst for your motivation. However it is you and your choice of action that turns that catalyst from a thing to the motivation.

Determination

If you can keep your determination, push through the idiots scorn, the cold of the rain or the frustration of a missing wallet you can change and achieve anything you want to.

Manifestation

Keep the goal clear and send it out into the world. If you need help to create it ask. You have to be willing to dare, to fight for it if need be. Even when no-one in the room understands you if you have a clear vision and the willingness to find a way to create it then you can manifest anything you can dream of.

 

So in essence you have the power! We have the power! I would love to be able to tell you a happy hollywoodesque ending of this tale. That the person I spoke to at the networking session emailed me with an amazing opportunity. It would make the story end so neatly. However it’s only been 24 hours since event 2 and as yet there is no more to add to the tale. Except that I am more motivated than I have ever been before. I am more determined to succeed and I know if you keep watching this space you will see as I manifest in reality my dreams of being a successful life coach and helping many, many people to Re:Root within themselves and their lives as well as manifesting the occasional slice of pie!

Have a great weekend!

#enjoyyourjourney

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How to communicate your self worth in your relationships

Recently a friend who is in a new relationship was having trouble communicating with her new partner. Her problem was something we have all been through. She wanted him to do something differently but was afraid to speak her mind in case it put the relationship in danger. (We have all been there at some point or other.) I gave her some advice and it seemed to work, however this situation got me musing. When not speaking up doesn’t serve us, why is it we are so afraid to communicate ask for what we want in our relationships? Of course there is the obvious answer of the fear of rejection or hurting someone you love, however I felt there might be something deeper at the root of this fear. And there is. It all boils down to self worth.

The paradox is this that in order to communicate openly what we want we actually have to truly believe we deserve whatever it is we want. If we believe wholeheartedly that we deserve something then we are much more likely to stand up for ourselves and ask for what we want. If you have low self worth (or by another name low self esteem) you will have trouble speaking up for yourself. The irony is that in order to improve your self worth you actually have to speak up for yourself. Another paradox – yey! (Sarcasm intended.)

So it’s a double paradox and a situation that usually results in people doing the proverbial impression of an ostrich and burying their heads in the sand, or in you and me terms closing down, not saying anything, until it boils up into a huge problem and a future topic of one hell of a row with your partner. You can get stuck in that pattern forever…

However you don’t have too. You’ll be glad to know there is a way out of this conundrum. It took me awhile to learn it yet it is possible if you are willing to keep on going.  With a little effort you can break down this pattern. Below are my ……. steps to communicating your self worth  in relationships I know if you follow them and stick at it you will find that the bonus is not only will you have happier, healthier relationships you will also have a higher sense of self worth!

I am worth it

L’Oreal’s classic phrase “I am worth it” needs to be your mantra. You are worth it. You are just as important as the other person in your relationship. A healthy relationship is balanced. You need to both treat yourselves, each other and your emotional experiences with equal high worth and importance. Look at yourself every morning in the mirror and say I am worth it!

Bravery

Ok, this can be tough and it is important. Be brave. One of my life’s favorite quotes and motivation is the saying “Bravery is not the absence of fear, it is having a fear and doing it anyway”. If you don’t ask you won’t get. If you don’t try and change a pattern it will never change. If you don’t explain to your partner what you need they can’t automatically fulfill that need. You have to be brave enough to try and brave enough to fail. Because honestly communicating your worth doesn’t always get the result you like or wanted. In that case that person was not right for you. If your partner can’t value you and your needs then they are not MR or Mrs *the one* and you can do better. In which case you have to be brave enough to try again. I cannot stress the importance of the bravery to dare.  In everything it is an essential tool in your life.

Get clear

Get clear around what you want. How many of us have tried to have an important conversation with our partner without defining what we want, identifying our desired outcome or planning the conversation and the whole thing has been a fiasco? I know I have. If you want communication to be clear then you need to get clear. I  use John Gray’s “Love letter technique” ALOT!. I cannot recommend it highly enough as a brilliant blueprint for effective communication with a loved one (and that is with family members or friends as well). But if that doesn’t work for you there are many other strategies around online. A few of them will be on the Re:root Facebook site this week to inspire you.

Boundaries and compromise

Know your boundaries and know where you will compromise. This is both a key element of empowering your self worth and empowering your relationships. There are things we will do and won’t. Things we will accept and things we won’t.  Know what is acceptable for you and know where you will be flexible and your relationship with flourish.

Giving respect

You are not the only person to have a hard time saying what you want. It could be that your partner has it just the same way. When you talk to them give them the chance to tell you about their needs too. Don’t make them feel like you are nagging but you are looking for solutions that work for both of you. Make the opportunity to fulfill their needs as well as yours. Compromise can be absolutely key here. And don’t forget to be grateful for the changes they make for you and appreciate what they do so that they can see you are grateful, gratitude goes a long way.

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Remember if you treat yourself and your partner as though you have a high sense of self worth that is what will resonate back to you. Honestly it doesn’t matter who the relationship is with these steps work equally s well with your boss, your mother as they do with your partner. Only you can vocalize and show the world how much you are worth it. So use your voice to show them how you shine and believe me people will start to treat you with respect and value.

Tell the world you value yourselfand it will value you.jpg

For more life inspiration check out Re:Root on Facebook. If you are interested in  improving your self worth Re:Root offers life coaching over skype.

#lifelessons101 – Remember what you love to do in life and do it! (A little known ingredient of a successful life)

Sitting here very early on Mr T’s birthday drinking coffee with the cats, I can’t help thinking, wow I love my life! The past few days have been a whirl of cleaning, making food and preparing for the 32 friends and family who will be coming here to celebrate with us. I am exhausted (especially after waking up periodically through the night because I was too excited about giving Mr T his birthday presents!),  yet in my exhaustion I can say I am truly happy. I love doing this sort of thing, creating a big experience for lots of people, trying something new (we are going to do bow tag) and sharing good food with awesome people. It’s fun to create something like that, and it’s one of the things I love doing in my life.

And that got me thinking. How often do we think about the things we love to do in life? I mean we talk about it when it’s career related but what about the things we love to do purely for fun? I remember recently I had someone ask me what my interests are I listed a few, writing, harry potter, viking, belly dancing, drawing, gardening,making memories, tattooing as well as my pagan religion, and she looked at me surprised and said “well you have enough hobbies to keep you going full time!” And yes she is right. There are many things I know I love to do in life. And I am in the fortunate position right now where I can dedicate some time to those activities. What about you?

What do you love to do in life? Not just your hobbies, but the other little things, like taking a walk in the park in the autumn or sharing a cheesecake with your best friend. What is it that you love to do? And when did you last stop to ask yourself this question? I believe that these things that we love to do are some of the most important parts of life itself. Without them living would sure as heck be boring. I also believe that healthy people with healthy balanced lives make time to make doing things they love as important as doing all the things they have to do.

If you look at the world’s most successful business people right now they all have hobbies which they dedicate time to. Such as the CEO of Berkshire Hathaway Warran Buffet playing the ukulele, MArk Zukerberg hunting his own food or Meryl Streep’s knitting. Hobbies are ‘cross-training’ when you practise multiple things the benefits of your practice transfers to other areas of your life. Doing things you love gives you a feeling of success which also benefits every area of your life. So people being happy at our party and Mr T having a fantastic birthday will boost my confidence for the next few weeks. (This is not why I do it , it’s just a great bonus!)

So in order for you to make yourself feel great, no matter what is going on for you at the moment, you gotta remember what you love to do in life and make time to do it. It really is one of the simplest things you can do to improve your quality of life and is one we all have a tendency to overlook. Remember being happy is incredibly closely linked to success. So I want you to invest in your successful life by dedicating 10 minutes of your day to making yourself happy today.

First write a list of everything you love to do in life the big and the little things, try and find the ones you weren’t even aware of by probing your memory.

Then grab your diary and book sometime to do one of the bigger things you love to do in the next 14 days

Lastly choose something you love to do that you can do easily today in a short space of time and GO AND DO IT!

It really is that simple and will make your weekend and your life 10 times more wonderful!

Have a happy weekend!You do not finda happy life